im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
