A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Watching her eat just hurts me
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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