i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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