he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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