I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
