all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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