pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
