moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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