Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
