I just saw a hot homeless man
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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