If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
