If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
