so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
