i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
