I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
