dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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