I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
