If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
