I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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