We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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