omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
the day after is always just damage control
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize