I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
