I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
