we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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