i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize