Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
