i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
