i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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