Can i not drive my cunt home
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
