He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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