College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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