When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
