I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Randomize
