I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
