let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
