I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
