If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
