So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
