Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Randomize