our cab driver is having phone sex.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
