Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
smell my finger.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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