apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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