What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
