my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
