I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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