ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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