Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
