so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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