i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
