Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Randomize
