Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
