you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Randomize
