I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
