I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
