evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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