I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
We need to rekindle our bromance
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
