Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
