I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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