Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize