after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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