just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
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