i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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