Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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