I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
no. you can't hotbox the world.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
