I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
