sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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