i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
