my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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