I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
