you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize