It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
