i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
